May you be safe
I advise Evie not to pick at the scabs on her knees and she does it anyway because we all do, don't we? This week I've been picking at an emotional scab that was sooo verrrry neeeearly healed that I can't believe I've done it.
Relationships, friendships, acquaintances... I've had a good number and as is natural, a percentage of them have been short but sweet. Despite me being the kind of introvert who has sub-optimal people skillz, only a couple turned sour. But I'm not good at walking away from that.
Like a terrier with an old sock, I shake and chew and worry at it, trying to work out why things happened the way they did. What does it say about me? What does it say about them? What is real and what are we each reflecting? How can we do better? My prime directive is always to heal and to do that I feel driven to understand the bones of something.
But sometimes, ya just can't. Sometimes partings can't be explained by words; sometimes it's just about a gut feeling that says I don't feel good here anymore. Sometimes I see white and gold and they see blue and black and there is absolutely nothing that can change that for either of us. And yet walking away - really away - is so effing hard to do. The scab is irresistible. I need to get 'LEAVE IT' tattoo-ed inside my eyelids because ultimately, opening a wound over and over is just self-harm.
I beat myself up for my part in a goodbye. I feel antipathy towards another for their refusal to see they had an equal part to play. I feel shame for not being endlessly compassionate towards every living being despite knowing that no one truly is. Even the Dalai Lama gets pissed off at people. His wisdom is in being able to recognise that and not attach to it. I recognise it and then fuck it up. Guess I won't be leading any Tibetan Buddhists any time soon (reincarnation issues not withstanding). I know... cancel your mala orders now, people. Maybe next time around.
The worst thing is that the toxic nature of something like this can poison the good stuff. It's hard to focus on your good work, your good life, when you have an infected emotional wound that means you get crabby, tired and distracted. However, I think I've found a way through.
I am trying to send the very best healing prayer that I can honestly muster for a person I need to fully move away from. I'll be truthful here, full disclosure, I cannot authentically send love. Not yet. On a good day I can send a genuine prayer for happiness. On a bad day I can still commit to 'may you be safe' with all of my heart. That way it feels to me as if maybe we both get a bit of healing and I can focus on where I want to be and where I am needed.