Something that you are

In this space I am always honest. I love many styles of blogging but when it comes to writing about my own life I'm not comfortable with anything other than what is. I'm certain that no one wants to read about the minutiae of my domestic life so I don't write about that but, hand on heart, I promise that what I do write here is real. True. I have no agenda to promote so there's no point in anything else.

Sometimes I'll write about an emotional situation and maybe some will think I'm over-sharing. I write because it helps me put things in order in my head and maybe someone reading will relate and feel better for some company (hello to my fellow 'terror gal', Lis). What it's not about is point-scoring, territory-marking or creating a persona. 

I was touched by sweet thoughts from Alison and Sarah when I wrote about my struggles with letting something go - they wished me healing too. Thanks, both of you, I'm on it - the path I'm taking to ease these final steps in that story were chosen to make sure I was included. Healing, like charity, begins at home.

Recently Susannah asked me if I'd like to take part in her gorgeous April Love event (sign up here). Once I saw who else was contributing I got a major case of imposter syndrome. Ha! I must be the only person there who doesn't have an impressive mailing list. Because I don't have a mailing list at all. I imagined people nodding their heads in recognition and then thinking,'WHO? ' and, to quote Evie, it gave me LOLz. 

Here's the slightly uncomfortable honesty...I also started thinking,'Crap, what can I do? How do I define myself? What is it that I do on my blog?  What is the point of it? I need to have that old elevator pitch ready.

Only no, I don't. I am much relieved to report that the knee-jerk reaction fell away within the hour. It seems I am learning. I'm not entirely free from vanity, I submitted a 'somewhat filtered' image of myself to go on the promotional materials (btw, is anyone else irritated by the way Photoshop has become a verb? Just me then. Okay.). Then this morning while clearing some images from my phone I realised that I like this one better.


My hair was typically unbrushed, I'd had a tiring day at work, just done the washing-up, taken the dogs out, and the light wasn't great. But I was happy because these days I am, to my bones. And if this is what I look like when I'm happy, then I give that an almighty #fuckyeah. That person there is what I am. And, with a little more respect, I also rather like this quote from the real Mr T:

Give up defining yourself - to yourself or to others. You won't die. You will come to life. And don't be concerned with how others define you. When they define you, they are limiting themselves, so it's their problem. Whenever you interact with people, don't be there primarily as a function or a role, but as the field of conscious Presence. You can only lose something that you have but you cannot lose something that you are.   

~ Eckhart Tolle 

26 comments:

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    1. Thank you x (I'm practicing receiving compliments.)

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  2. Such richness in that photograph. I totally understand about "imposter syndrome" - and I don't have a mailing list for my weblog either! People keep telling me to do it, but at this point in time it would change the intention of my writing. Thank you for sharing with such beautiful honesty.

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    1. I'm recognising the freedom that I have here and I value it. Your writing is an inspiration. x

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  3. you are lovely. and i enjoy every word you share here. xo

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  4. I love coming here. And I love all those reasons you come here to write. Your honesty opens up the space of possibility for others to do so. And that pic is beautiful.

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    1. Thank you. I'm so happy that, mostly through Mel, I've found women - you included - who hold dear that possibility. I love that we can take it in turns to bear witness for each other as we step into it. x

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  5. Okay, I lost my original comment so excuse any duplicates ...

    Oh, you are my shero! I confess I am weary of the usual cast of glittery characters not because I haven't been inspired and elevated by them but at the end of the day I am too easily distracted away from myself and what I seek is to embrace and augment the gifts granted to me in my life. I'm mucking this up, but made me look again at April Love was your presence in the roster. It is honesty and the love you shine upon your life that gives me hope for mine and "opens up the space of possibility" as Antoinette so gracefully put it. It is the realization that others are out there going about this "work" in quiet but committed ways which excites and supports me. I am trusting you will understand the nervous actions of this Terrier/Terror gal who is trying to say you are one gorgeous wild mama. xo

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    1. Takes one to know one, Lis. Your grace and integrity inspire me, always. x

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  6. i'm going to admit -- because a) you Get me and b) this is one of only a few Genuine Safe Spaces -- that when i saw that April Love widget doo-dad, i thought to myself [with a cynical and snarky eye-roll] "oh, fab! yet another glitter-spackled you-go-girl circle jerk" *ahem*.

    because, let's be real....there are a multitude of those. usually populated by the same shiny people doing the same shiny stuff with, once the rainbow dust settles, the same empty sentiments.

    [because i'm *that* jaded by the internets] :)

    but...on looking closer...i see your beautiful face there and, as Lis puts it, you've given it credence. because you are very Real to me, and that's all i have the patience for anymore.

    i choose the wild and the quiet, the edge-walkers -- the glow of the shiny people just harshes my mellow. ;)

    i love that quote -- true story.

    xoxoxox

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    1. I'll be honest, I am feeling very appreciative lately that I do not have to support myself or my family by earning a living online. And that's from someone who for years has heard the siren call of, 'Start your own biz...be a solopreneur (gag)...be FREE!' and yearned to be one of those people. Spent days and weeks fretting over finding something I could do to live that way.

      But as that way of earning a living - especially in the self-development realm - has become more common I see a smaller and smaller percentage doing it with integrity and soul. Which a) makes me value the ones who DO (such as Susannah who is a dear RL friend and is as bullshit-free as they come, isn't a life coach, and also swears even more than me) and b) makes me enormously glad I don't have to do the online hustle to get by because I'm not sure I could hold onto my values if our lives really depended on it. It's a fucking jungle out there and the trees are FULL. To me that seems the very OPPOSITE of free.

      As it is, I get to spend 21 hours a week in an office with people I love, working for a cause I believe in and every month I get money in my bank account. So when I come to write here I can say whatever the hell I like : ) It's only now that I'm beginning to value that I don't need to have a fixed smile and a life that says 'I'm a winner! hire me!' because I see how exhausting a choice that must be.

      But most of all thank you for getting me. For showing me that I don't need to hang around a place where I don't fit - not because I'm 'better' but because I simply don't fit. The shiny makes my head hurt too : ) I prefer natural light to neon.

      'The wild and the quiet, the edgewalkers'. Hell yes. And I'm being gently swept along now in thoughts about Big/Small really only meaning loud/quiet. About Vicky (@muddypeacock) who held up the word 'witness' some months ago and I haven't been able to take my eyes off it since. And about being conscious Presence.

      What a way to start the week ; ) xxx

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    2. Your explanation here is PRECISELY why I keep coming back here. That, and your writing and your photos and your wisdom.

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    3. Amen to all you say here! And especially to treasuring and supporting those who walk the walk with integrity and honesty. I love what you say about Big/Small as loud/quiet. I've been rethinking what Big means to me in terms of impact, attentiveness, consistency and love. I'm realizing what ripples out can start from a small drop in the pond. I cannot control nor is it my task to wrangle how what I put out there is received/used; but rather to do what I do with love and honesty and because I must. And then trust that is enough. Ah ... I am enough. Always back to that, isn't it? Please share the link to what Vicky wrote as I would love to read it. xo

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    4. I had forgotten about that, Jo, until you mentioned it. And yet, I liked it very much after I woke up from writing it. (Am I the only one who ever gets the sensation that they're not really writing things themselves entirely? That it all somewhow just tumbles through the keyboard when it's ready without the intervention of my brain...?) I still had La Que Sabe afloat when I wrote this and, thanks to the gloried caches of the web-gods, I found it via Google. Aaaand it goes a little something like this:

      A Revelation.

      To love. To hear. To see, to feel, to empathise, to relate, to reflect, to encourage, to understand, to believe in and with. To listen completely. To hold people and space.

      To enjoy. To reveal, to share, to think, to speak. To be still, to revel, to sing, to move, to inhale and exhale. To pay attention. To observe.

      To be open. To be honest. To speak up when the spirit moves me and let the words flow through me without sticking. To admit pain and joy, bliss and sorrow. To find balance.

      To witness the wonder of All That Is in all the ways that it manifests.

      To WITNESS.

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    5. Hurrah! Thank so much Vicky. I still love it. X

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  7. "you cannot lose something that you are" - what a beautiful and healing thing. :-)

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  8. Amen to everything you say! Especially to supporting those who walk the walk with integrity, honesty, attention and care. Hell yes, it is hard! I appreciate what you share about Big/Small being loud/quiet. I've come to re-define what big means to me ... that a small drop in the pond often does send out large ripples. I cannot control - nor should I think it is my task - how my work is received or used. My job is to do what I do because I must, because it is what my heart and conscience call for me to do. And then trust whatever the outcome is, that is right, it is enough. Ah ... back to that! It and I am enough.

    Could you post the link to what Vicky wrote about Witness ... I would love to read it! love you!

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    1. You are SO right. Trust the outcome, let go of the reins. I need to chant that. As for what Vicky wrote, like me she has a habit of moving her blog around and changing the name so i'm not sure I could even find it. And in fact I think it may even have been in a comment she left on a blog post of mine. On a different blog : ) But t'was good : ) x

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  9. oh, how much more eloquently you've explained it all!

    that was such a huge reality check/eye-opener for me...realizing that not wanting that Live Your Creative Dream life wasn't a failing on my part, just a preference...a choice. i don't have the stomach for the hustle.

    not better, just different. halle-fuckin-lujah.

    you're SO right...the jungle is teeming and so the real and genuine people {like Susannah -- who i don't really *know* but have always got a good vibe from <--- did i just say vibe?} are such a breath of fresh air to me....and they're the only ones that catch my attention anymore.

    *happy sigh*

    it's all good. xoxoxoxo

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    1. Oh, how much time it took me to write that : )

      My stomach is so anti-hustle that I get nauseous just thinking about it. And I can't quite believe that it's taken me this long to get that. To understand it's not because I'm experiencing the kind of 'resistance' that one must Pressfield through (much as I love his work), or that 'the thing I resist the most is the thing I must do' or whatever the pin says. It's just that I DON'T WANNA! End of. 'Shackles effing OFF', to paraphrase Martha Beck : ) So I should step the fuck away from all the people who are happily going about their hustley business and let them get on with it. While I do the same with mine.

      You'd like Susannah. Just saying. She's bloody hilarious.

      All good.
      x

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    2. YES! Oh, thank you. In my cronedom I am finally learning the wisdom of allowing myself to simply be me. Or true to me. Not resisting, not denying, not justifying but honoring I'm my own flower in the garden full of many blooms and while they are spectacularly beautiful, we each possess a beauty unique to us. Be true to that and allow others are being true to themselves. Guess that's why I stay put in my dandelion field! ;)

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  10. I'm so glad I've met you through Aprillove2015, I've read your post, I'm a tree hugger, I hug them, most of the time one of them, my big tree, because I want to feel their energy, to still a little bit of it to myself, but I think that at the same time I'm giving love to them. When you said to leave a gift to them, I thought "isn't my love not enough?" I don't know I got confused. Thanks for the lovely post and for being you! :)

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    1. It sounds to me as if you have a natural affinity with trees and whatever feels right to you IS right : ) I just shared how I like to interact, it may be different for you : ) Thanks so much for commenting, it's lovely to see you here. x

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Thank you, I love it when we talk.