In this space I am always honest. I love many styles of blogging but when it comes to writing about my own life I'm not comfortable with anything other than what is. I'm certain that no one wants to read about the minutiae of my domestic life so I don't write about that but, hand on heart, I promise that what I do write here is real. True. I have no agenda to promote so there's no point in anything else.
Sometimes I'll write about an emotional situation and maybe some will think I'm over-sharing. I write because it helps me put things in order in my head and maybe someone reading will relate and feel better for some company (hello to my fellow 'terror gal', Lis). What it's not about is point-scoring, territory-marking or creating a persona.
I was touched by sweet thoughts from Alison and Sarah when I wrote about my struggles with letting something go - they wished me healing too. Thanks, both of you, I'm on it - the path I'm taking to ease these final steps in that story were chosen to make sure I was included. Healing, like charity, begins at home.
Recently Susannah asked me if I'd like to take part in her gorgeous April Love event (sign up here). Once I saw who else was contributing I got a major case of imposter syndrome. Ha! I must be the only person there who doesn't have an impressive mailing list. Because I don't have a mailing list at all. I imagined people nodding their heads in recognition and then thinking,'WHO? ' and, to quote Evie, it gave me LOLz.
Here's the slightly uncomfortable honesty...I also started thinking,'Crap, what can I do? How do I define myself? What is it that I do on my blog? What is the point of it? I need to have that old elevator pitch ready.'
Only no, I don't. I am much relieved to report that the knee-jerk reaction fell away within the hour. It seems I am learning. I'm not entirely free from vanity, I submitted a 'somewhat filtered' image of myself to go on the promotional materials (btw, is anyone else irritated by the way Photoshop has become a verb? Just me then. Okay.). Then this morning while clearing some images from my phone I realised that I like this one better.
My hair was typically unbrushed, I'd had a tiring day at work, just done the washing-up, taken the dogs out, and the light wasn't great. But I was happy because these days I am, to my bones. And if this is what I look like when I'm happy, then I give that an almighty #fuckyeah. That person there is what I am. And, with a little more respect, I also rather like this quote from the real Mr T:
Give up defining yourself - to yourself or to others. You won't die. You will come to life. And don't be concerned with how others define you. When they define you, they are limiting themselves, so it's their problem. Whenever you interact with people, don't be there primarily as a function or a role, but as the field of conscious Presence. You can only lose something that you have but you cannot lose something that you are.
~ Eckhart Tolle